True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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