his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
