I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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