you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
