____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
