Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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