I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
