I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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