Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have fence marks all over my body
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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