It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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