At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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