You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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