I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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