She's JV to your varsity
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
