You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
