A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The ass gains better be worth it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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