True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
