One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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