can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
