My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
