He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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