Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
