I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
