He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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