I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
