rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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