Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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