he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
