you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
