oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
