If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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