I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
