I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
