there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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