the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
