How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
operation have a gay friend backfired
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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