Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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