She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
