One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
