I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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