Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
