Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
