so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I am available for nakedness
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
