why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
