We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
