lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
