i permit you to call me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I wish there were birth control emojis
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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