Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
