did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
