you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
