I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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