there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
