Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
