I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
