thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
